FML. <– that’s how I felt this morning.
I hate when I get like this. I do it a lot less often than I used to, though, which I should be (and am) very thankful for.
Based on the majority of my posts, I might seem like a happy-go-lucky person…and I am. That’s not a front. That’s not fake. That’s not a marketing ploy to keep/gain readers. I truthfully am a happy, positive, life-loving person…most of the time.
See, I get stressed out soooo easily. It’s something I’m really working on, and I’ve gotten a lot better at it, for sure. This morning, though, I just wasn’t able to deal for some reason. “A Very Busy Mind” is not some random title for my blog; it describes me perfectly. My thoughts just go haywire sometimes. And this morning, I wasn’t just having lots of thoughts, I was worrying my little head off. I won’t bore you with specifics because I’ve done this before, but I’m happy to report I’ve pulled myself somewhat together (at least for the moment).
It’s just hard, guys. Some days I wake up so happy and thankful I’m not in the position I was in such a short time ago, but some days I wake up and realize all I’ve lost and all that I could be…and am not…and it really gets me down.
I guess, really, I should consider these moments learning opportunities, though. A big reason I’ve been unsuccessful in the past in recovery is because as soon as I started to do better, I would let my guard down. I was so anxious to put my eating disorder behind me and to completely forget about it that I would start this mental celebration of ‘I’m a normal person again! Wahoo!’ kind of stuff, but fail to recognize that an ED doesn’t go away. I truthfully believe this type of thing is not something you can “cure”, you simply learn to manage it. Every time I started to have “good” days in past recovery attempts, I thought it was finally all over and I could stop fighting so hard every day to recover and just live. That’s not to say I believe every day of the rest of my life will be difficult in regards to the ED, but I do think I need to respect this problem, and think of it as what it truly is – a disorder.
I did not choose this illness, and I can’t go back and repair all the things it has messed up for me in the past five years. But, I can take control of my life now. Mi Madre has always taught me that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that is sooo not what you want to hear, but I believe it’s true. For some reason, I was supposed to take this path. And when I get comments or e-mails from people telling me I’ve helped them or even just brightened their day a bit…that “reason” seems more clear.
I’ll figure it all out, I suppose. One day. For now, baby steps. I need to organize the craziness going through my head…and get on with my life.
*******
Phew. I’m feelin’ better, guys. Here’s breakfast.
- 1/2 c oats
- ~ 1 c water
- scoop crunchy PB
- scoop vanilla whey protein powder
- lots of bloobs
- granereal
- Puffins
- ground flaxseed
*******
I haven’t forgotten about today’s theme! Just needed to get all that^ out first. I’ve already worked on it a little – never fear! It will be included with lunch!
Sorry if you had the patience to actually read all that and it bored you to tears. I try to be real on this blog, and a typical Cassie post was just not happening this morning. I’m workin’ on it, and I’ll be back to myself in no time!
See ya soon!
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